Gasping for air after just 2 flights of stairs.
Getting frustrated at myself for not being able to retain the information after the 5th times of reading a five-sentence paragraph from the college history textbook.
Dragging myself forcefully to the car just to get grocery.
My aunt politely reminded me 3 times within the same week to return the hairdryer I borrowed from her months ago.
Crashing around 2-3 pm everyday like clockwork despite lunch or no lunch.
Wishing I never had to wake up again. Participating in life at this point felt like a chore.
Feeling like a lazy bum. Beating myself up.
Hopeless. Powerless. Everything eluded me.
Questioning my existence.
No will to live….
Not just Hashimoto disease, I am certain my fellow readers with thyroid disorders can relate with at least one of the experiences I listed above. I will not go deep into the medical aspect of Hashimoto’s disease in this post. Rather, I would like to share the difficulties and challenges living and coping with Hashimoto’s disease.
To give you a quick overview, Hashimoto disease is an autoimmune disease that affects the thyroid gland’s function. With the inflamed thyroid not producing enough hormones, the patients experience hosts of health problems that slow down metabolism. The symptoms can range from chronic fatigue, brain fog, concentration and memory issues, leaky guts, cold intolerance, depression, constipation, joint and muscle pain, unexplained weight gain, etc. One may not experience all the symptoms. But by and large, the running theme of Hashimoto disease or hypothyroidism is the low level of energy, which is the core of all my sufferings.
Hashimoto disease is an “out of body” experience to me, if I were to sum up my experience with it in one sentence. It was very difficult to stay grounded. I either caught myself in a melancholy or fight or flight state. The frequent depressive episodes with occasional suicidal thoughts were especially rough. Thyroid disease can affect your mood significantly causing depression and anxiety due to the insufficient hormone level. I had been suffering from depression long before the diagnosis, so it was just another thing on top of another thing for me. Anxiety would come out of nowhere. Not knowing the reason behind your anxiety while being gripped by anxiety is one of the biggest frustrations I’ve had in life. It just washed over me like an intense wave in the ocean, fast and sneaky. Most of the time, I felt like my brain doesn’t belong to me anymore. I just simply couldn’t focus. It took me longer to do things. A task that used to take me 5 minutes to complete now took 15 minutes or longer. Retention became a huge challenge. At one point, I became afraid of reading, an activity I once enjoyed immensely. Lots of times, I wouldn’t be able to retain the information despite reading that same paragraph for more than 5 times. Being spaced out during conversations was something I experienced almost on a daily basis. I probably don’t need to tell you how embarrassing and inconvenient it is. Before this, I had a better-than-average memory. Name and birthdays recalling used to be one of my strengths. Now, I was breaking promises and forgetting things left and right. My brain failed me tremendously, which I felt I had no control over. My forgetfulness got so bad to the point it almost cost me some of the relationships I treasured. Disappointed in myself, I retreated to my shell even more, doing my best to avoid social events and activities. The decline in cognitive function, which caused the brain fog that led to concentration difficulty and memory issues, posed a serious impediment in all aspects of my life. Till this day, I couldn’t believe I was able to graduate from college. In all honesty, college was a hard time for me. I did not enjoy that part of my life, and having Hashimoto at the same time just made it 10 times more difficult.
Extreme fatigue was another big thing I had to deal with. Being tired even after 8 hours of deep sleep, getting crashed early in the afternoon, feeling drained for no reason are daily occurrences. Joints and muscle pains were things I would never imagine experiencing for a person my age (I was in my early 20s at the time) . Performing daily routines: grocery shopping, doing chores around the house, doing laundry, etc. seemed insurmountable. A tremendous amount of will was exercised to keep myself minimally functional. This doesn’t happen to everyone with thyroid condition but one of the symptoms that the underactive thyroid manifests is the respiratory distress. My breathing was short and shallow. My speaking voice got weaker and smaller. And over time, gone was my singing voice. Some days, I was just so exhausted to even speak; and most of the time, at the end of the day, it was almost impossible for me to hold a conversation that lasted more than 5 minutes. I got misunderstood more than once at work because of this. I got asked to speak up on more occasions than I’d like to remember. People would also interpret this in many ways. They think that I am shy, meek or timid. They also think that I am cold and unapproachable, or aloof. Eventually, I had to tell and explain to my co-workers what I was going through. I was also judged by some family members for being lethargic. Hopelessness and desperateness were the dominant feelings in me at the time. Everyday I asked myself the same questions “How did I come to this point?” I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I was a 25 year-old trapped in the body of a 62-year-old. My body was failing me. I had no energy, no drive, and no will to live. I understand that I was not to blame; and it was beyond my control. However, the identity crisis was overwhelming. I felt like a huge part of my soul was lost somewhere, waiting for me to retrieve it someday. Like a drowning victim moving frantically to keep their head out of the water, I have attempted many approaches to treat Hashimoto. I tried the Western medicine route. It did not work for me. My prescription stopped working at a certain point. Then, I spent many hours researching the right supplement, herbs, or food to add or eliminate from my diet. The process took many trials and errors. And one day, things started to click. And I was feeling like myself.
I have had hypothyroidism for over 8 years and was officially diagnosed with Hashimoto 4 years ago. At the time of this writing, I am not completely out of the woods. However, I have come a long way since then. My health has gotten so much better and my condition is 99% under control. As of now, I can confidently tell people that I am leading a normal life, with virtually no trace of physical pain , cognitive challenges and emotional pains that once plagued me.
I am sharing this not as a way to reflect on my progress. Any fellow readers will know the pain and challenges too well reading this post. If you don’t have a thyroid disease and somehow you can relate to the story and even vicariously feel the struggle, that’s wonderful and I appreciate you for that. Even if you can’t relate to this story at all, I simply ask you to extend sympathy and understanding to those who have it or don’t even know that they have it. Before the diagnosis, not knowing the condition, I judged myself very harshly. From the low energy level to mood disorders and brain fog, I attributed those to me being lazy and weak and hopeless. The feeling of being a lost cause invaded deeply in every fiber of my being for several years before I found out the real cause. In large part, thyroid-related diseases are very manageable with the right approach. Most of us, including myself, largely underestimate how intrusive and debilitating thyroid diseases can be to everyday life.
Just by offering compassion and understanding, you are spreading the light , and without you even knowing, you are helping them heal faster.
LOVE,
Lydia
