Anhedonia : the inability to enjoy experiences or activities that normally would be pleasurable.
APA (American Psychology Association) Dictionary of Psychology
I came across the word “anhedonia” in a popular sitcom. A male character was complaining about
his “anhedonic” female friend to another friend. I went online and looked up the word after
finishing the episode. Besides my usual “Yay, I learned a new fancy word today” feeling, my naive
worldview did make me wonder: “ How is someone not able to enjoy anything in life?” I was in my
late teenage years at the time. Little did I know anhedonia would be my reality later on.
WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE TO EXPERIENCE ANHEDONIA?
The early stages of my long-term depression did reduce my interest in daily life and my favorite
activities. Yes, it is true that sadness was my dominant state at the time, which makes normal
sense for a person suffering from depression. However, I was still very much in touch with my
feelings. The food still tasted good; there were still a lot of things that I looked forward to in life.
Slowly and sneakily, anhedonia took over me.
Emptiness. Numbness. Void. Zero energy and motivation.
It is the moment you convince yourself to do the thing that used to bring you so much joy. It is the
moment you have to bargain with yourself to do the human basic daily routines. It is when you
question the purpose of everything. “Have to”, “must” and “should” become prevalent in my inner
dialogue. It is the moment you cannot feel Love. The Love you have for your loved ones, your
fellow humans, your pets, the ice cream that you devour on a hot summer day, the cafe that you
frequent at least once a week, the podcast that brightens up your day. Despite all the abundance
around me, all I could feel was pure emptiness. I had a wonderful and supportive mother; my
coworkers are friendly and so helpful; I have a roof over my head; I have a reliable car. As I write
down these things for the gratitude exercise and as people so often tell me: “ You have so many
things to be grateful for!”, I berated and forced myself to feel gratitude, like a parent nagging a
child to be more responsible and do the homework. Deep down I know how fortunate I am, and I
am supposed to be so appreciative, but I feel nothing. It was like my heart had closed the door to
its home and gone on an extended vacation.
HOW DOES ANHEDONIA AFFECT DAY-TO-DAY LIFE?
Life becomes a burden . Everything feeIs heavy and dense most of the time. To give you a mental
image, I feel like a person being stuck in the mud and unable to move. I was deeply scared. I know
I could not live like this. I am only in my 20s. Life still has a lot of things in store for me. But I can’t
shake this thing out of me, that emptiness, that void inside me. Everyday, it feels like I am sucked
into the dark abyss with no escape. With no interest in anything and in life, I avoid and distance
myself from everything. From family gathering, get-together with friends, partaking in my hobbies,
everything became an obligation. There is no joy and love. How did I get to this point? I have
become this emotionally handicapped person. No dream, no hope, completely indifferent to life.
Frustration and guilt followed. I was running on that proverbial hamster wheel for so many years.
CLOSING:
What do I fear most in life? The answer to this question has changed a lot over the years. Until
recently, I have found the definite answer: Anhedonia. It is the scariest thing I’ve experienced in
life. If you are currently in the same boat, please know that I am sending out a virtual big hug to
you. It is very difficult, this thing you’re going through. While still in the grip of it, just remind
yourself of the impermanence of life, you will not feel this way forever. There is a way out. There
must be a way out. I am with you and we are in this together.
Love and Gratitude
